so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
