so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
