just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
