The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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