my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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