You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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