I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
