i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
