Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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