i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
