You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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