I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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