How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
high people should be assigned attendants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
