He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
