I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
