Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
