my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
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