i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
