I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
