Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
