I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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