I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
