He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
