no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
