I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
