My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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