I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
