I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
