The maid of honor just puked.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
