It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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