You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
