We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
