When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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