kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
so let's talk penis.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
