Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
