they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
