Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
