Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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