My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
