I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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