i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
