It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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