he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
