You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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