You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm gonna fight the coyote
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
