I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
