guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
