I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
