I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
