im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
